From Drew Johnson (I’m not sure if this link will work for those of you who aren’t a friend of Drew’s on Facebook). Drew gave me permission to reprint this (I did X out a few letters to keep this an F bomb free blog).

Dear Diary,

Today I would like to talk about icebergs. I know what you’re thinking: “Drew, you don’t give two shits about icebergs (at least when they don’t indirectly result in you getting to see a 22-year-old Kate Winslet topless).�

And you’re right, I don’t give two shits about icebergs, I generally give only 3/8ths of one shit about icebergs. That was until tonight when “60 Minutes� wheeled Andy Rooney out and he opened his Ensure-sipping, palsy-skewed, nonagenarian, denture-clacking trap to spew an ill-informed diatribe about icebergs that will probably trigger a Y2K-style panic across America and spur the plot for a new Will Smith movie.

Rooney said that an iceberg the size of Connecticut may break off from the Wilkins Ice Shelf in Antarctica and it’s all because Americans use oil and cut down trees, but no one seems to care. And he’s right, I could give a rat’s ass. But what he babbled next damn near made my head explode like Kraka-fxxxing-toa.

“Maybe an iceberg the size of the state of Connecticut floating along and hitting America will get your attention.� That’s seriously what that dipshit said.

Think about that.

This big ass iceberg that has Andy Rooney and his disheveled eyebrows in a dither is about 1,000 miles south of Chile. So in order for it to float up and bitch-slap America, it would have to drift past Chile, Peru, Ecuador, Columbia, Panama, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Honduras, El Salvador, Guatemala and Mexico before it could then hang a right and head for the Santa Monica Pier.

The distance from the Wilkins Sound, where the iceberg is, to L.A., which is the easiest place in America for the thing to hit, is 7573 miles. The fastest icebergs move about 2.2 miles per hour.

Giving Roon-dawg the benefit of the doubt and saying that this is one speedy-ass iceberg, it would take about 143 days for this killer iceberg with America’s name on it to get here.

Don’t you think that over the course of 143 days someone could figure out how to put some hairdryers on a helicopter or a bass boat and melt that bastard before it hit the United States? Hell, the dudes from MythBusters could knock out that project in 20 minutes even without the tasty red-headed chick and the timid little Asian dude.

Oh, and the water between Peru and Mexico averages over 80 degrees. So it would melt along the way anydamnway.

I don’t know what sort of folktales or mythological bullshit they were spouting when Andy Rooney was growing up during the Wilson administration (literally, Rooney was born in 1919), but I guess people thought icebergs caused earthquakes back then.

Discuss…

Love,
Drew

Andy Rooney, still a dipshit at 90.

Too priceless Drew!

Andy Rooney, 60 Minutes, Icebergs, global warming, junk science